Friday, February 19, 2010

Mighty one or Feverish, selfish, little clod of ailments?

It has been a week post the Chemotherapy and with my white blood cell count, so my spirit took a little dive! Many have talked about reading the blog so that they know what to pray for next, so I am banking on your help through prayer!

I went in yesterday for what is called the Nadir visit. This visit traditionally occurs one week post Chemotherapy and is in place because it is the calculated low point for my body’s combativeness against infection. They drew blood and were able to tell where my white blood cell count was and where my neutrophil count (the infection fighting component of the white blood cells) was.

Interestingly, Dr. Stinnett was really pleased, though normal for white blood cell count is 4 to 10 and I was a 2.3, and normal for neutrophil count is above 2 and I was 1.2. Most of my life I have been used to exceeding expectations so falling below “normal” felt a little less than an “A”, which is the element of my personality that took hold and my optimism dipped. I can’t even describe the reason why the negative feeling came over me, especially because Dr. Stinnett is a wonderful combination of dead-on credibility and unbelievable compassion, and even in his optimism, I still felt some despair.

That yucky feeling continued as I walked into the waiting room to leave the office, and the normally empty room was filled with others who were suffering similar life trials. My compassion sparked for all of them, as I realized that we were all in varying degrees of treatment; some were in wigs, others were gaunt and ravaged looking, and still others were in stages of re-growth. I bit my lip to fight back the tears when I realized that I was the youngest in the room and it felt like the pity in the room turned towards me. YUCK! I hated that…I haven’t even lost my hair yet and I was the subject of inspection and pity… from other cancer patient no less!

Luckily, my spirit didn’t stay in that place for long…it’s too uncomfortable, so I got busy reading and I realized that Heavenly Father is in reality All-Knowing and All-loving!

Several months ago, the out for this time of despair was already being orchestrated and not so shockingly, it came in the form of SOMEONE ELSE LISTENING! I am so grateful that Caralee Child…months ago suggested that I read a book entitled, Led by Faith, by Immaculee Illibagiza (this was the sequel to her first book, Left to Tell, which changed my life!). These books sparked such an interest in me that I couldn’t help but type some of the passages that hit me the hardest. I stumbled upon them yesterday. She said:

I understood that whenever God’s light is dimmed by despair, the devil finds a perch from which to whisper in our ears. The enemy never sleeps; he waits for our moments of weakness to strike at us with temptation.

                                    Immaculee Ilibagiza, Led By Faith, p. 93

My determination returned, as I realized that I was placing myself in a vulnerable spot for Satan to attack my armor (D&C 27:15-18). I hit my knees and asked for forgiveness and my mind flooded with love and my spirit soared.

My moments of immediate answers continued to flood, as my mind reflected back on a session that I had had earlier in the week where we were talking about God’s love and the true “reason” for prayer. I had no idea at the time that the things we were talking about would be my life line just days later. As often happens in therapy, my mind is filled with information that I share (without knowing where God is going most of the time:)), and I referred my friend to the Bible Dictionary under PRAYER and this line was immediately recalled in my mind, “Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other. The object of prayer is not to change the will of God…” I was humbled to think that in my prayer for this other loved child of God, he was answering my unrealized cry. And, when the cry was realized...I knew that I did not want to change God's will or the details of this trial.  I just want him to do with me what he will! Out of HIPPA regulations I will not name this person, but you know who you are…THANK YOU for sharing in this burden!

I know that all of us, like my friends in the Utah Cancer Specialist waiting room are in varying degrees of “treatment”. We are all starting, in the middle of, or finishing one of life’s refining moments. We all have the choice between misery and happiness (2 Nephi 9:39) and that choice is NOT diminished by circumstance. I CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY! I hope and pray that regardless of your life circumstance you will choose to be happy too!
Love to you all-


I leave you with still another of my favorite quotes. This one is penned by George Bernard Shaw:

This is the joy in life, being used for a purpose. Recognized by yourself as a mighty one; being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances, complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.

I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community and as long as I live, it is my privilege to do for it what I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when die, for the harder I work the more I live. I rejoice in life for its own sake.

Life is no brief candle to me. It is a sort of splendid torch, which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.

                                                 George Bernard Shaw


  1. I choose to be Happy with you! As I read your thoughts today I realized I need to put your blogs in a book and keep them. I know that your strength will help me later on in my life, and I also know that when I have children that I want them to read your thoughts and see the strength that my amazing friend Becky had during this battle! You are such an inspiration to me and I know for so many others! I love you and thank you from the bottom of my heart for your strong testimony of our Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ, that they have given you this trial to become a mighty one! And like George Bernard Snow said your story will be told and passed on to future generations like my children! Thanks for being strong and choosing to be HAPPY! You are Wonderful! :)

  2. Oh becky.. you are inspiring. Kristin told me you started your blog and I have been following from the start.. you are so amazing. Justin and the boys are so lucky to have you! I have always heard how amazing Becky is..and what a great person Justin married.. and now reading and meeting you, its all freaking true!! I have grown in my testimony by the words that you have shared.. thank you for that. The world LOVES you Becky and we are all praying for you and your sweet family. I told Kris tonight I am going to your dinner that your friend is putting together.. I wouldnt miss it! You are so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and worries and love.

  3. Beck, you ARE a mighty one with strength I cannot even fathom. Thanks for being such a lighthouse for me in my life. I love you and hope this message finds you feeling well and strong!!!!