Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Potter's Clay

Currently, the Doxorubicin (the Chemotherapy drug known as the ‘Red Devil’) is coursing through my veins in search of the cells that are reproducing quickly and tearing through the landscape of my body. Consequently, I have had a few rough days and have been unable to write about my experience.

When Lisa, the ‘Cancer Killing’ nurse brought out the brilliantly red syringes this last Thursday, my stomach turned as I knew what was in store for the next few days. This particular medication causes the nausea, hair-loss, fatigue, and other side-effects that are the unwelcomed companions to fighting this disease. Interestingly, this medication is administered by “pushing” the drug into my veins. If the drug accidently leaks out of the vein, it will cause permanent damage to the tissue. These facts make me even more grateful for the truly gifted medical staff that we have working with us. I am cognizant of the fact that it is a real blessing when someone is doing what they were made to do. The staff at Utah Cancer Specialists, Dr. Stinnett, Lisa, Nicole, and Jennifer are passionate about what they are doing and make a difficult situation far easier.

I recognize that in many ways, Doxorubicin is like trial. If trial was randomly delivered by unskilled hands, we would all find ourselves in a state of permanent damage. Instead, trial is “pushed” into our lives by a skilled physician, who is fully aware of the desired outcome, and though I have yet to “ask” for this type of trial, I know that the outcome is desirable to bring about long term happiness. We are all fashioned and designed to fill the measure of our existence; no matter what our current beliefs are. All of our trials are different in nature, but the effect is the same, if we do not fight it—we are shaped and molded by the Potter’s hand (Isaiah 64:8, Jeremiah 18:6) and just like the Doxorubicin, these fiery trials can clean the landscape of our souls. We can become infinitely more than we believed that we could. Our story is yet to be fully written.  What an exciting thought, given the possible editor knows beginning from end!

I am grateful for the Doxorubicin and its ability to seek out and destroy the mutating cells, as I am grateful that this trial is seeking out and destroying my pride! It would be nice if the destruction of the pride did not include my hair and stomach contents, but…It is what it is! 

A couple of weeks ago, a friend talked about a ‘For Sale’ sign on a house in the neighborhood. We giggled at the implication, “REMODELED…I’m GORGEOUS INSIDE”, and I have thought a lot about the bigger plan for you and me. God doesn’t care what we look like on the outside, nor is he preoccupied with our comfort, instead a perfect being cares what is happening on the inside. He is mindful of who we are becoming. Are we using our life circumstances to ‘remodel’ us from the inside out? Do we like who we are becoming?  Are we gorgeous on the inside?

I hope we can all find time to thank God for EVERYTHING that we have and are.  Maybe the greatest blessing of this cancer is the fact that I have been forced to take time to see my life as it really is.  I am grateful for the REMODELING.

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