On the last day of January 2010, I found out that I had breast cancer. This blog is a complilation of the amazing events, thoughts, feelings, and gestures that have occurred as a result of this unbelievable journey. Please join our family on the Anderson Family Battle.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Yesterday was a difficult day emotionally. For the first time in my life I totally and absolutely did not remember what day it was! Mindy Astle came to pick Eli up for preschool (it was my day to drive!) and the knock on the door was the antecedent to my emotional panic as I tried to sift through the cobwebs in my mind and figure out what day it was. At first I was certain that it must be Thursday and I was missing my Chemotherapy appointment, then I was quite sure it was Wednesday and I would have to call and tell Mindy that she had made a mistake! At the end of the panic, I just cried at the reality that I am clearly not the same as I was before and the ‘Chemo Brain’ is real!
My tears of self pity and forgetfulness, turned for my good as I realized with a brighter hope that I REALLY AM NOT THE SAME AS BEFORE and there is real power in REMEMBERING! This spiritual insight came at the heels of my panic attack and a late night visit with some old friends from High School.
Sitting there with my friends, from an earlier—easier time, it was so fun and healing to just plain REMEMBER! We talked about funny old stories and adventures. We laughed and laughed, and I was struck by the reality in Christ’s words that ‘men are that they might have joy!’ (2 Nephi 2:25). Just like the panic and fear of not REMEMBERING, the conversation with my friends also had some times of sorrow and tears as we talked about the varying trials and struggles that had accompanied our journeys, but at the end of the day, JOY is the culmination of all things, it is not the absence of pain and/or struggle. It is through these struggles that we are brought to our knees and REMEMBER God, the Eternal Father and His son, Jesus Christ (Doctrine and Covenants 20:77 and 79). And, when we REMEMBER them, we become more like them and that is JOY.
This life is not designed for us to remain in the rut of sameness (Alma 34:32-34); we are constantly moving and hopefully growing. This growth is brought about in a number of ways: time, insight, empathetically considering someone else’s life, and our own blessings and trials. This life was never designed to be easy, only worth it; and the only way it’s worth it, is if we REMEMBER what life is really about.
So to that end, I am so appreciative that I REALLY AM NOT THE SAME as I was before and I have indeed moved closer to my family, friends, and God. I hope the desires of my heart will continue to lead me closer to my Heavenly Father because this is the JOY in life and it makes all of our other relationships just that much sweeter. “REMEMBER the worth of souls is great in the sight of God” (Doctrine and Covenants 18:10).
I am grateful that I FORGOT, so I could remember how important REMEMBERING is!