Monday, March 15, 2010

Storm clouds and sunshine.

As I was traveling to my third Chemotherapy session on Thursday, I couldn’t help but notice two completely contrasting themes—brightly beaming SUNSHINE and the dark gathering of ominous STORM CLOUDS. My mind was drawn out in contemplation about the possible parallel between the treatment and life on the other side of the nausea!

In my soul, I felt the stormy anticipation of the Chemotherapy with the impending side effects and my heart seemed to stop momentarily. I knew, like the threat of the clouds, that a STORM was about to brew on the inside of my body and I longed for the SUNSHINE and contentment of health.

Once inside the office, the beams of SUNSHINE came in the form of the people treating me. Dr. Stinnett, who I am sure was scarily busy, took 40 minutes of his own time to just talk with us about life and share a story about a ‘Chemo Shark’ that might help the boys deal with the diagnosis. It was so refreshing and I counted it as a blessing in our day. His kindness and compassion calmed my tumultuous heart and I felt ready to conquer the third session.

When I walked into the room holding Justin’s hand, Denise was already there like a rock, and Lisa was there in her confident exuberance and I felt more SUNSHINE. The STORM CLOUD came shortly after and though I was surrounded by people that I loved, my body shook in fear and I was anxious. That anxiety peaked when Lisa walked out of her office, dressed in blue and carrying the bright red vials of Doxorubicin. I tried to swallow my tears and still they came. Justin, Denise, and Lisa were quick to notice the tears in my eyes and it turned into a conversation about the needfulness of this pain and strategies for making it through. I was so thankful to hear funny personal stories from Lisa and words of encouragement from Justin and Denise. I knew that I would be OK.

As treatment progressed, so did my support as my mom and dad walked in, Christy Parker stopped by and Brenda came in with a cute pink monkey from a little nine year old named Cambri ,who is battling cancer as well. All of these things helped me to gain the necessary perspective to move forward in a positive manner.

It was interesting to walk from the office about 4 hours later, only to be aware that the SUNSHINE and the STORM CLOUDS had continued to polarize and the cloud bank was firmly in the east, while the sun shone brightly in the west. I smiled to myself as I thought about the reality of OPPOSITION IN ALL THINGS (2 Nephi 2:11). In fact the law that is affixed in heaven and earth that there is an opposite reaction to every action brought me a great deal of comfort, and as we drove towards the STORM CLOUDS in the east, I could see the SUNSHINE in the west beaming in the mirror.

I know deep in my heart that we are driving right into the STORM CLOUD and the deeper we get into the cloud the harder it is to see the SUNSHINE, but I trust that I will receive a ‘witness after the trial of my faith’ (Ether 12:6) and I will know with deeper clarity why I have been asked to shoulder this burden. I look forward to seeing God’s ‘marvelous work’ brought forth (Doctrine and Covenants Section 4) and I am thrilled to be a part of it.

I know that a loving Heavenly Father allows rain to fall in our lives at times because of the growth that it produces. STORM CLOUDS are a function of love not fear and I have the opportunity, if I choose to let this trial nurture the garden of my soul. It is difficult not to focus on the negative parts of the STORM CLOUD, but I know that when I see the clouds for what they are (antecedents to growth), I will draw myself closer to Heavenly Father and the person HE KNOWS I CAN BE!

I am excited to feel the opposite to some of the pain that we have been in and I know that those rays of SUNSHINE have and will be manifest as this trial moves forward. Thank you all for your love and support. You have truly been SUNSHINE in the midst of the STORM CLOUDS.

Love to you,


'Mom's Heart' Moment:  On Sunday we celebrated my nephew's birthdays and it had been the first time that my four year old niece had seen me without my hair.  It was a really difficult moment when I saw the fear in her eyes when she looked at me and asked my brother what had happened to my hair.  My brother Bart giggled and told her that it was just fine--it was a sign that I was getting better!


  1. Becky, I had my fourth Doxyrubicin today. I can completely relate to the anxiety felt, as I was feeling it too. My prayers and thoughts are with you constantly. Hang tough, my bald friend! Love from your bald friend, Kim : )

  2. Beck, you honestly look so beautiful in the picture with the hand sanitizer in the background (haha, I don't know how else to explain the picture). I just have to say that you are such an amazing person in my life. You are so inspirational and I hope I can be as strong as you when trials that tough hit me. Your strength strengthens me and I hope the nausea has decreased the last couple days since Thursday. You can do it, hold strong!! You tell that storm cloud to leave!! : ) haha. I hope this message finds you doing great. P.S. Your Eli holding hands moment made me cry too, he is such a sweetheart. He loves you so much like so many of us do! LOVE YOU! Keep it up!