Wednesday, March 3, 2010
From the mouth of babes...
Speaking of anxiety, many of you have been wondering how my boys are handling our situation and I wanted to share some of the heartbreaks and triumphs of trying to parent through the uncontrollable. Both of my boys have developed a stress reaction to news of the cancer. Shortly after finding out, and our lives being thrown into chaos, Isaac started to pull at his lips (to the point of bleeding), and Eli started to complain about his stomach hurting him. In my heartache, I knew that they were trying to deal with the news the only way their little minds and bodies could at the time.
Since the initial shock, some of their words and actions have at times helped to calm their scared mom and other times it has brought me to my knees in tears and recognition that I cannot take away their pain.
For instance, there hasn’t been a day go by that I have not heard Eli praying for my “bad cells to leave” or “for the doctors to take them away”. Those prayers, coupled by an increase of love and affection from my otherwise independent four year old have brought me a great deal of comfort. It is easy for my mind to dismiss and hope that they are being unaffected by this situation, but there are reminders, like the stomach aches and lip pulling, that remind me that cancer is a family trial and burden, as well as a blessing.
“Mom, are you really going to lose your hair?” I quickly stated in a matter-of-fact way, “Yep buddy and it’s going to be OK!” We continued to walk and again he tugged at my hand. This time I knelt down by him knowing that his little mind was going a million miles an hour and with a deep look of concern he said, “Mom, are you going to die?” I choked back my own emotion and hugged him saying, “Pal, it would take a lot more than this little cancer to take your mom out.” He seemed content with that answer and we walked the rest of the way in silence, as I tried to catch the tears coming from my eyes before he saw them.
• Just yesterday, Eli out of the blue said, “Mom, when we have another baby I want to call it AUNT BRENNIE!”
• “Mom, can we go play with Aunt Jeany? I can do whatever I want there!” (That wasn’t quite as comforting :))
• “Is Denise my aunt and Nick and Jake my cousins?”
• “Papa likes me. He my best friend. Nana my best friend too!”
Thank you so much for easing the anxiety of the ‘big and hairy dog of life’. I know that many of you have thrown your hearts and ‘socks’ on the line for our family and we are eternally grateful.
Love to you all,