Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Oversized Load

There have been a number of you concerned about my last treatment because I have not been able to update the blog. It is true that I had another reaction to the chemotherapy medication, but the reality behind my absence from the blog is that my computer has been sick and in the shop for repair. My computer is back and I am excited to write about some of the things that I have been thinking and feeling. Thank you for your love, care, and concern.

A number of days ago I was talking with a great friend about life and realized that I had really slipped into feeling a little sorry for myself. The reality about the situation is that Spring is my favorite time of the year; one in which I am used to working outside most of the day and I loving it! This Spring, of course, has been different than years in the past and I have been battling the nagging thought, “I AM SICK OF BEING SICK!”

As good friends do, she recognized that I was down and suggested that I bring the boys and go with her and her kids to their family’s cabin. I was only days away from my next chemo treatment and instinctively said, “I can’t!” She did not let me off the hook that easily and began to question my rationales. I soon realized that I had no good reason not to go and found myself getting the boys and myself ready for the trip.

The cabin was near Strawberry Reservoir and if any of you have driven that canyon it can be absolutely breath taking with the rolling mountains, steep terrain, and the mixture of different types of trees growing alongside each other. For a time, I was able to forget about the situation that I find myself in and just appreciate the beauty of nature that is all around us as a constant reminder of God’s infinite power, mercy, and love for His children.

The canyon, for the most part, is a two lane Highway with wicked curves and blind turns, leaving you at the mercy of the driver’s in front of you or your own patience. I had neither! In fact, the driver in front of us was going about half the speed limit because he was hauling an OVERSIZED LOAD. We were stuck behind him, as were a number of other less than patient people. My mind was of course caught up in a metaphor.
In addition to the OVERSIZED LOAD that we were “stuck” behind, we were driving by Strawberry Reservoir itself, which was still frozen over except for some slight melting around the edges. I couldn’t help but think about the weightiness of this cancer trial and the fact that sometimes it does indeed feel like an OVERSIZED LOAD. Initially, I took the thoughts as almost reinforcement for the way that I have been feeling and a justification for my lack of patience with the entire process. Then I realized that a loving Heavenly Father had a different message for me that day. He wanted me to see the journey for want it really was and what it could possibly do.

I smiled to myself while staring at the sign, “OVERSIZED LOAD” and my mind began to reflect on the certainty that this OVERSIZED LOAD had caused me to slow down and stay between the solid yellow lines of this trial, which has given me the opportunity to ponder God’s timing and God’s mercy. I think all of us in this life have OVERSIZED LOADS at one time or another… because it is vital for us to realize that we do indeed need the refinement that comes from being forced to slow down, reflect, and have glimpses of the potential Heavenly Father sees in us. This does not take away the weight or pressure of the load; it does not diminish the impact on the road we are traveling, but pausing can help us to recognize the blessings that are often found in unanswered prayers.

While the OVERSIZED LOAD did not magically speed up or disappear as I had originally hoped, it gave me the opportunity to look out on Strawberry Reservoir in all of its frozen wonder. I thought about how, like the OVERSIZED LOAD, this body of water was reflective of my feelings. The hope and faith I once felt before this trial has been incased in the solid and functional ice of a different knowledge base. Just like the ice fisherman, I have had to test my faith by walking on the frozen water and I know the things that I merely believed before are true and I know, just like the melting away at the edges, I will sequence through the hope-faith-knowledge cycle about other things in my life until one day I will have a sure knowledge of God’s individual plan for me. How can I hope for anything else? I am a blessed person.

My heart is drawn out in prayer for all of you that are carrying an OVERSIZED LOAD and are looking at your life as if the ice that has formed is a commentary on God’s love or lack of love for you. I hope we can all pause and take a good look around to see the beauty in our lives and the fact that the ‘ice’ of trial can bring us the sure footing of new knowledge. Life is not easy. It was never designed to be, but we can know and understand that Heavenly Father loves us completely and without strings—sick or healthy; fixed or broken; bond or free; sinless or willful sinner—He loves us. We are His children and He desires for us to be happy. I am grateful for this knowledge.

Love to you all,


‘Mom’s Heart’ Moment: Isaac was lying in bed with me the other night before bed. He looked at me and said, “You have no hair mom!” I touched his cheek and ran my hands through his hair as the conversation continued.

“I know Isaac”, I said.

He looked back with resolve, “Papa Ron cut it off…too short!”

By way of clarification I responded, “No honey it wasn’t papa. Mommy doesn’t have hair because we are battling cancer and the medication makes me lose my hair.”

He moved on, “Why did Heavenly Father give you eyes?”

“To see with!”

“Why did Heavenly Father give you a nose?”

“To smell with!”

“Why did Heavenly Father give you lips?”

“To kiss you with!”

“Why did Heavenly Father give you cancer?

I just hugged him tightly and said, “Because He loves me!”


  1. Hey you!! Tyson and I came by last Wednesday morning. We were headed to Moab but we were an hour ahead of his parents so we decided to stop by your house while we waited for them. So I came to see you and Ty came to see the boys. haha. Anyways I know this is like a week late in telling you but we just got home. We wanted to say hi and that we love you and we're thinking about you!! We hope you are doing well :)oh and Tyson and I decided we need to kidnap your little boys for a day, as well as miss brookie, that way we will have a reason for going to the zoo and the dinosaur park...(because I REALLY want to go there, but I need some kiddos so I can say I have a "reason") haha
    Oh and by the way Kristy got her mission call tonight, she's going to the stolkholm sweeden mission. she leaves July 28th.

  2. Becky,
    I have been worried about you! Your picture with the boys melts my heart. I have certainly learned through all of this that Heavenly Father loves me too. What sweet kids you have! : ) My prayers are with you and your family everyday. I can't wait for Image Reborn!

    Love you!
    Kim--your hairless friend

    p.s. I am keeping my head shaved until after the retreat. : )

  3. I love you, Beck. Thank you for answering MY prayers with a little inspiration. You're beautiful. XOXO!

  4. Was a little sad to read that you were at Strawberry because that meant you drove right by my house. Hopefully you waved. I just want to tell you how much I love wearing my Anything for a Friend braclet. It reminds me of you so often and I love it when someone asks me about it. I get to tell them about one of the most amazing people I have ever been lucky enough to have in my life. Words cannot express how your cancer journey has changed the way I look at so many things. Sending you so much love.

  5. Becky,
    I can't even begin to thank you for all you do for so many people. Here you are fighting for your life with breast cancer and yet you still have the time and love to help us fight for Cher. You are such a beautiful woman and have touched my heart in such a wonderful and postitive way. You are so right, your Heavenly Father does love you! He loves all of us and that is why he lets us each touch each others spirits with tender mercies. Thank you Becky!

    Lisa Gregersen

  6. I spent 10 weeks on bedrest with my last baby. I worked so hard to be positive. Counted my blessings. I knew that so many people would trade places with me in a second. I felt guilty feeling miserable. Then, I took one moment and allowed myself to totally hate it. To dispised being on bedrest. It was SO cathartic. You are allowed to have a moment to totally HATE what you are going through...then count your blessings.

  7. Becky,
    I am glad to hear that you have hair coming in! Don't touch it! Let it grow, and I will do the same. Those little hairs are precious. : )

    Love you!

  8. Beck, I have to say I feel the same way about my bracelets as Rena! I haven't taken them off since I got them except for at the temple, that's it. I have my anythingforafriend one and your beautiful name etched on the other. I love you so much and pray for you always. Thank you for being my inspiration in so many aspects of my life.