Oversized Load

There have been a number of you concerned about my last treatment because I have not been able to update the blog. It is true that I had another reaction to the chemotherapy medication, but the reality behind my absence from the blog is that my computer has been sick and in the shop for repair. My computer is back and I am excited to write about some of the things that I have been thinking and feeling. Thank you for your love, care, and concern.


A number of days ago I was talking with a great friend about life and realized that I had really slipped into feeling a little sorry for myself. The reality about the situation is that Spring is my favorite time of the year; one in which I am used to working outside most of the day and I loving it! This Spring, of course, has been different than years in the past and I have been battling the nagging thought, “I AM SICK OF BEING SICK!”

As good friends do, she recognized that I was down and suggested that I bring the boys and go with her and her kids to their family’s cabin. I was only days away from my next chemo treatment and instinctively said, “I can’t!” She did not let me off the hook that easily and began to question my rationales. I soon realized that I had no good reason not to go and found myself getting the boys and myself ready for the trip.

The cabin was near Strawberry Reservoir and if any of you have driven that canyon it can be absolutely breath taking with the rolling mountains, steep terrain, and the mixture of different types of trees growing alongside each other. For a time, I was able to forget about the situation that I find myself in and just appreciate the beauty of nature that is all around us as a constant reminder of God’s infinite power, mercy, and love for His children.

The canyon, for the most part, is a two lane Highway with wicked curves and blind turns, leaving you at the mercy of the driver’s in front of you or your own patience. I had neither! In fact, the driver in front of us was going about half the speed limit because he was hauling an OVERSIZED LOAD. We were stuck behind him, as were a number of other less than patient people. My mind was of course caught up in a metaphor.

In addition to the OVERSIZED LOAD that we were “stuck” behind, we were driving by Strawberry Reservoir itself, which was still frozen over except for some slight melting around the edges. I couldn’t help but think about the weightiness of this cancer trial and the fact that sometimes it does indeed feel like an OVERSIZED LOAD. Initially, I took the thoughts as almost reinforcement for the way that I have been feeling and a justification for my lack of patience with the entire process. Then I realized that a loving Heavenly Father had a different message for me that day. He wanted me to see the journey for want it really was and what it could possibly do.

I smiled to myself while staring at the sign, “OVERSIZED LOAD” and my mind began to reflect on the certainty that this OVERSIZED LOAD had caused me to slow down and stay between the solid yellow lines of this trial, which has given me the opportunity to ponder God’s timing and God’s mercy. I think all of us in this life have OVERSIZED LOADS at one time or another… because it is vital for us to realize that we do indeed need the refinement that comes from being forced to slow down, reflect, and have glimpses of the potential Heavenly Father sees in us. This does not take away the weight or pressure of the load; it does not diminish the impact on the road we are traveling, but pausing can help us to recognize the blessings that are often found in unanswered prayers.

While the OVERSIZED LOAD did not magically speed up or disappear as I had originally hoped, it gave me the opportunity to look out on Strawberry Reservoir in all of its frozen wonder. I thought about how, like the OVERSIZED LOAD, this body of water was reflective of my feelings. The hope and faith I once felt before this trial has been incased in the solid and functional ice of a different knowledge base. Just like the ice fisherman, I have had to test my faith by walking on the frozen water and I know the things that I merely believed before are true and I know, just like the melting away at the edges, I will sequence through the hope-faith-knowledge cycle about other things in my life until one day I will have a sure knowledge of God’s individual plan for me. How can I hope for anything else? I am a blessed person.

My heart is drawn out in prayer for all of you that are carrying an OVERSIZED LOAD and are looking at your life as if the ice that has formed is a commentary on God’s love or lack of love for you. I hope we can all pause and take a good look around to see the beauty in our lives and the fact that the ‘ice’ of trial can bring us the sure footing of new knowledge. Life is not easy. It was never designed to be, but we can know and understand that Heavenly Father loves us completely and without strings—sick or healthy; fixed or broken; bond or free; sinless or willful sinner—He loves us. We are His children and He desires for us to be happy. I am grateful for this knowledge.

Love to you all,

Becky

‘Mom’s Heart’ Moment: Isaac was lying in bed with me the other night before bed. He looked at me and said, “You have no hair mom!” I touched his cheek and ran my hands through his hair as the conversation continued.

“I know Isaac”, I said.

He looked back with resolve, “Papa Ron cut it off…too short!”

By way of clarification I responded, “No honey it wasn’t papa. Mommy doesn’t have hair because we are battling cancer and the medication makes me lose my hair.”

He moved on, “Why did Heavenly Father give you eyes?”

“To see with!”

“Why did Heavenly Father give you a nose?”

“To smell with!”

“Why did Heavenly Father give you lips?”

“To kiss you with!”

“Why did Heavenly Father give you cancer?

I just hugged him tightly and said, “Because He loves me!”